1 00:00:09,260 --> 00:00:11,600 Ladies and gentlemen, we present Cooper! 2 00:00:21,100 --> 00:00:24,800 Well, ladies and gentlemen, except that nothing on this show ever goes right, 3 00:00:24,980 --> 00:00:25,980 Tommy Cooper! 4 00:00:50,800 --> 00:00:51,800 I've got a spinning head. 5 00:00:59,840 --> 00:01:04,459 Thank you, folks. Thank you. 6 00:01:39,760 --> 00:01:40,760 You know, 7 00:01:44,940 --> 00:01:46,320 my wife, she never stops talking. 8 00:01:47,800 --> 00:01:49,400 She's talk, talk, talk, talk all the time. 9 00:01:50,320 --> 00:01:53,660 I was going along on my motorbike the other day. She was sitting at the back 10 00:01:53,660 --> 00:01:55,140 me. Still talking. 11 00:01:56,260 --> 00:01:57,260 All the time. 12 00:01:58,520 --> 00:02:00,840 And I was going along in a police car. 13 00:02:01,080 --> 00:02:02,520 stopped me. I said, what have I done? He said, nothing. 14 00:02:03,600 --> 00:02:05,840 He said, well, I thought I'd like to tell you your wife fell off three miles 15 00:02:05,840 --> 00:02:06,840 back. 16 00:02:08,120 --> 00:02:10,520 I said, thank goodness for that. I thought I was going to stone death. 17 00:02:17,340 --> 00:02:19,460 Now, here's a little trick I'd like to show you now. It's very famous. 18 00:02:20,480 --> 00:02:21,480 Watch this very, very closely. 19 00:02:22,700 --> 00:02:24,720 And when I finish this trick, I don't want any applause at all. 20 00:02:26,520 --> 00:02:29,140 I want everybody to stand up and sing for he's a jolly good fellow. 21 00:02:31,370 --> 00:02:33,050 Do you know, I'll give anything if you sit up there and watch this. 22 00:02:48,790 --> 00:02:54,690 My wife the other day was looking at a fashion book. 23 00:02:55,670 --> 00:02:57,370 And she pointed to a fur coat. She said, I want that. 24 00:02:57,590 --> 00:02:58,610 So I cut it out and gave it to her. 25 00:03:23,440 --> 00:03:24,440 Thank you. 26 00:03:29,580 --> 00:03:31,560 I'll tell you what I'll do now. I'll show you how it's done. 27 00:03:32,220 --> 00:03:33,220 No, that's the wrong way. 28 00:03:41,440 --> 00:03:42,440 What do you need? 29 00:03:42,580 --> 00:03:43,580 There's two hangers. 30 00:03:44,420 --> 00:03:46,760 What do you need? There's two hangers. One yellow and one red. 31 00:03:47,920 --> 00:03:49,220 See? Now then. 32 00:03:50,100 --> 00:03:51,100 What you do... 33 00:03:53,820 --> 00:03:54,820 Do you see me pick that up? 34 00:03:56,360 --> 00:03:57,360 I'm not afraid of work. 35 00:04:02,680 --> 00:04:07,780 Now, before you start the trick, before you start the trick, you see, you put 36 00:04:07,780 --> 00:04:08,780 the red one in your hand first. 37 00:04:11,380 --> 00:04:14,300 But you don't let anyone see you do this. You do this quietly, secretly, 38 00:04:14,300 --> 00:04:15,300 the bed. 39 00:04:17,100 --> 00:04:19,180 Just there like that, you see. You keep it there all the time. 40 00:04:23,310 --> 00:04:24,310 My back's killing me. 41 00:04:25,470 --> 00:04:26,690 I'll straighten my back. I have. 42 00:04:27,010 --> 00:04:29,530 I was playing piggyback, my little boy, and I fell off. 43 00:04:35,470 --> 00:04:39,430 You put the red haggis in there, you see, and you keep it there all the time. 44 00:04:39,990 --> 00:04:43,350 Then you put the yellow one on top, the red one, which you know is already 45 00:04:43,350 --> 00:04:46,970 there. But keep this hand closed all the time, otherwise they'll see the red 46 00:04:46,970 --> 00:04:48,670 haggis. Keep it closed all the time, you see. 47 00:04:56,590 --> 00:05:00,670 Now you put the yellow handkerchief on top of the red one, which you know is 48 00:05:00,670 --> 00:05:01,670 already there. 49 00:05:05,010 --> 00:05:08,810 Here's a little tip. Don't do this. Don't show a bit of yellow and a bit of 50 00:05:14,910 --> 00:05:17,730 Because if you do that, you give the game away. They know that you've got two 51 00:05:17,730 --> 00:05:21,610 handkerchiefs. So you must make sure you put the yellow one well down in the 52 00:05:21,610 --> 00:05:22,610 hand first, like that. 53 00:05:23,030 --> 00:05:24,810 Well down in the hand first. See, like that. 54 00:05:25,890 --> 00:05:29,190 Keep it closed, otherwise this time they'll see the yellow one. Keep it 55 00:05:29,190 --> 00:05:30,190 all the time. 56 00:05:32,750 --> 00:05:33,750 Thank you. 57 00:06:27,530 --> 00:06:28,530 Yes, sir. 58 00:06:29,150 --> 00:06:30,150 Yes, sir. 59 00:06:30,410 --> 00:06:31,410 Yes, sir. 60 00:08:13,900 --> 00:08:16,640 And there'll be more from the great man himself a little later in the show. But 61 00:08:16,640 --> 00:08:19,400 right now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to meet that lovely little Gemini, 62 00:08:19,580 --> 00:08:20,880 the lovely Lindsay DePaul. 63 00:08:21,300 --> 00:08:22,300 Yeah. 64 00:08:25,620 --> 00:08:26,339 You're there. 65 00:08:26,340 --> 00:08:27,179 I'm here. 66 00:08:27,180 --> 00:08:30,380 You peeked up on me and caught me unawares. I haven't touched your 67 00:08:31,080 --> 00:08:34,480 I think you're a very cheeky girl. What are you going to do for us today? One of 68 00:08:34,480 --> 00:08:38,880 your own compositions again? Yes, and it's called Season to Season. A little 69 00:08:38,880 --> 00:08:39,880 thing you just ran up. 70 00:08:40,480 --> 00:08:41,480 Let's hear it. 71 00:08:47,760 --> 00:08:52,760 we don't look up and down that same old street 72 00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:58,740 looking back in history a page can be turned 73 00:09:34,220 --> 00:09:35,220 When a flower... 74 00:10:33,070 --> 00:10:35,930 When I try and find you, you're not there 75 00:11:43,340 --> 00:11:50,220 And now, the grand fakir, Abdul M. Vir, will pass the final test in 76 00:11:50,220 --> 00:11:51,220 the Brahma faith. 77 00:11:51,940 --> 00:11:57,120 Transcending his mind and body into the twelfth plane of Brahma, he will walk 78 00:11:57,120 --> 00:11:59,000 the hot coals. 79 00:13:07,650 --> 00:13:08,730 Shove off, I'm on a pitch. 80 00:13:08,950 --> 00:13:09,950 Yeah, I know that, Mr. Bryce. 81 00:13:10,190 --> 00:13:12,790 Mr. Bryce, why nab one when you can nab them all? 82 00:13:13,350 --> 00:13:14,329 What was that? 83 00:13:14,330 --> 00:13:15,970 Well, I mean, for a little consideration. 84 00:13:16,650 --> 00:13:18,190 I'll hear it first, then I'll consider. 85 00:13:18,550 --> 00:13:24,430 Oh. Well, see, Mr. Bryce, I happen to know that the Wine Tasters Club is in a 86 00:13:24,430 --> 00:13:28,170 pub. They've been at it all day, drunk as lords they are. 87 00:13:28,370 --> 00:13:33,090 As soon as they come out, you can nick every single one of them as they go to 88 00:13:33,090 --> 00:13:34,090 drive off. 89 00:13:35,020 --> 00:13:37,060 Yeah, I already know that. That's why I'm here. 90 00:13:37,860 --> 00:13:40,680 You don't know at all. You're just saying that so you don't have to give me 91 00:13:40,680 --> 00:13:42,120 money. You're always like this. 92 00:13:42,540 --> 00:13:44,320 You're always getting the wrong side of me. 93 00:13:44,540 --> 00:13:46,020 You're dead right. I'm downwind again. 94 00:13:46,220 --> 00:13:47,220 Oh, 95 00:13:48,040 --> 00:13:48,859 come on. 96 00:13:48,860 --> 00:13:53,380 Mr. Bryce, please. I'm starting to... Look at the state of my trousers. 97 00:13:56,460 --> 00:13:57,680 Yeah, yeah. 98 00:13:58,740 --> 00:14:00,100 I'll tell you something, Sneaky. 99 00:14:01,280 --> 00:14:02,280 There's an old saying. 100 00:14:02,880 --> 00:14:07,100 that the patch in the seat of a gentleman's trousers is not necessarily 101 00:14:07,100 --> 00:14:08,220 window to his soul. 102 00:14:10,860 --> 00:14:12,740 But in your case, it is. 103 00:14:14,360 --> 00:14:15,360 Look, here you are. 104 00:14:15,860 --> 00:14:19,240 Hmm? Now, shall I... Oh, thank you, Mr... Now, here. Yes, please. 105 00:14:20,860 --> 00:14:22,480 Don't spend it all in the betting shop. 106 00:14:22,780 --> 00:14:23,780 No. 107 00:14:24,100 --> 00:14:25,980 Spend it on something you've never had before. 108 00:14:26,540 --> 00:14:27,700 Like what, Mr. Bryce? 109 00:14:27,940 --> 00:14:28,940 Soap. 110 00:16:02,190 --> 00:16:03,610 I'm shaking in the rain. 111 00:16:07,770 --> 00:16:09,470 It isn't, is it? 112 00:16:11,530 --> 00:16:12,530 Oh, yes, it is. 113 00:16:15,110 --> 00:16:17,590 I have reason to believe that you have been drinking, sir. 114 00:16:18,570 --> 00:16:19,570 What? 115 00:16:20,510 --> 00:16:22,830 Why? How did you come to that? I mean, wait. 116 00:16:24,890 --> 00:16:26,290 Well, how could you tell? 117 00:16:26,570 --> 00:16:28,810 Well, we have our little ways, sir. We have our little ways. 118 00:16:29,340 --> 00:16:32,660 Do you know there was a gentleman very similar to you only last night, sir. 119 00:16:33,080 --> 00:16:37,680 He was lying floating his face on someone's lawn with his arms stretched 120 00:16:37,680 --> 00:16:41,380 out like that, grabbing at the grass, shouting, fetch a ladder quick. 121 00:16:47,560 --> 00:16:49,260 Did you bring him one? 122 00:16:49,540 --> 00:16:50,540 Oh, no, 123 00:16:51,880 --> 00:16:54,020 no, no. We just let him hang there all night, sir. 124 00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:01,840 Look, you see this yellow... Do you mind, sir? 125 00:17:02,820 --> 00:17:05,920 You see the yellow line down the road here? Would you mind walking along it 126 00:17:05,920 --> 00:17:06,419 me, sir? 127 00:17:06,420 --> 00:17:07,680 Walking along there? Yes, please, sir. 128 00:17:10,200 --> 00:17:11,819 Along there? 129 00:17:12,200 --> 00:17:13,200 Right along there, sir. 130 00:17:14,140 --> 00:17:16,260 No, well, there's a safe in there. I don't. Oh, I see. 131 00:17:17,740 --> 00:17:19,460 I'll just try. I'll just try. 132 00:17:28,430 --> 00:17:29,930 It was a very brave try, wasn't it, sir? 133 00:17:31,250 --> 00:17:35,570 I just wonder... Would you mind saying this for me, sir? 134 00:17:36,130 --> 00:17:37,130 Excuse me, sir, do you mind? 135 00:17:40,290 --> 00:17:41,290 Come on, sir. 136 00:17:42,290 --> 00:17:45,010 Six steel -rimmed twin -screw cruisers. 137 00:17:48,290 --> 00:17:53,910 Six twin -screw... Six steel -rimmed twin -screw cruisers. You just have a 138 00:17:53,910 --> 00:17:54,649 little practice. 139 00:17:54,650 --> 00:17:56,870 Six tin -screwed -up cruisers. 140 00:18:04,870 --> 00:18:06,550 I'm singing in the rain. 141 00:18:08,410 --> 00:18:09,710 I'm happy again. 142 00:18:10,850 --> 00:18:13,230 Because I'm singing in the rain. 143 00:18:15,870 --> 00:18:20,270 You could make it five, couldn't you? 144 00:18:21,830 --> 00:18:26,930 No, I'm sorry. Six steel rim twin screw screws. Two screen rims. 145 00:18:28,270 --> 00:18:30,680 Six. twin -stooled, screwed -up cronies. 146 00:18:31,880 --> 00:18:32,940 Stretch! Stretch! 147 00:18:34,720 --> 00:18:35,760 Well, make up your mind. 148 00:18:37,720 --> 00:18:38,720 Doesn't matter anyway. 149 00:18:40,160 --> 00:18:41,620 Would you like to blow into this, sir? 150 00:18:43,680 --> 00:18:44,680 What is it? 151 00:18:45,400 --> 00:18:47,540 It's a trumpet. Perhaps you could play us a little tune. 152 00:18:51,920 --> 00:18:53,220 There's no music coming from it. 153 00:18:53,640 --> 00:18:56,620 Well, just one more time. Perhaps you could blow a little louder this time. 154 00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:01,400 Much better, isn't it? 155 00:19:01,780 --> 00:19:03,480 Yes, that's as good as Louis Armstrong. 156 00:19:03,860 --> 00:19:04,860 Do you mind? 157 00:19:06,900 --> 00:19:07,900 Just have a look. 158 00:19:11,180 --> 00:19:12,180 It's normal. 159 00:19:13,280 --> 00:19:15,560 Now, look, are you drunk or aren't you? Of course not. 160 00:19:16,440 --> 00:19:17,940 And I don't like your tone of voice, officer. 161 00:19:19,780 --> 00:19:21,360 What was all that staggering about? 162 00:19:21,620 --> 00:19:22,840 Well, there's no law against staggering. 163 00:19:23,160 --> 00:19:24,160 What? 164 00:19:24,660 --> 00:19:26,000 If I were to stagger, I stagger. 165 00:19:26,980 --> 00:19:29,480 If I were to walk straight, I walk straight. But if I were to stagger like 166 00:19:29,480 --> 00:19:33,300 this... I won't stagger in like that. Oh, I see. I'm singing in the rain. 167 00:19:33,580 --> 00:19:38,800 And I suppose all that slurred speech was the same, was it? Yes. If I want to 168 00:19:38,800 --> 00:19:40,500 say, Twins, Scrooge, Scrooges, I do it. 169 00:19:41,240 --> 00:19:45,560 Or I say, Six steel -rimmed twins, Scrooge, Scrooges. 170 00:19:45,780 --> 00:19:46,780 I see. 171 00:19:49,240 --> 00:19:50,240 Look. 172 00:19:53,420 --> 00:19:56,660 I happen to know there's a room full of wine tasters in there who've been at it 173 00:19:56,660 --> 00:19:57,660 all day. 174 00:19:57,710 --> 00:20:01,530 And yet you come out of there stone cold sober, pretending to be drunk. Now, why 175 00:20:01,530 --> 00:20:04,090 is that, sir, please? I'll tell you the reason why that is. What is it? I'll 176 00:20:04,090 --> 00:20:04,869 tell you. 177 00:20:04,870 --> 00:20:05,950 Because I'm a decoy. 178 00:20:08,650 --> 00:20:09,790 So the rest will get away. 179 00:20:10,730 --> 00:20:12,130 A decoy? Yes. 180 00:20:12,450 --> 00:20:13,830 Well, it's funny you should say that, sir. 181 00:20:14,190 --> 00:20:15,190 So am I. 182 00:20:38,620 --> 00:20:41,320 Thank you very much. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome once 183 00:20:41,320 --> 00:20:42,680 to Fez to Fez. 184 00:20:42,980 --> 00:20:46,400 Once again, tonight, we probe Tommy's articulate... Excuse me, David. 185 00:20:46,940 --> 00:20:49,760 Can I take a photograph for my scrapbook? 186 00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:52,500 Tommy, I've just started the interview, actually. 187 00:20:52,980 --> 00:20:55,440 Well, it's only for my scrapbook. It's very kind of you, but I... If it's not 188 00:20:55,440 --> 00:20:56,440 any good, I'll scrap it. 189 00:20:58,180 --> 00:21:01,900 Very kind of you, but I do have one or two rather serious questions that I'd 190 00:21:01,900 --> 00:21:05,160 like to ask you tonight, basically on the correlation of comedy... 191 00:21:19,360 --> 00:21:21,840 Will you please stop taking photographs of you and me? 192 00:21:22,060 --> 00:21:25,000 I'll do it. I've got a flash camera. Look, I'm not going to do it. I want to 193 00:21:25,000 --> 00:21:27,680 you a very, very serious question. I want to ask you this. Do you think that 194 00:21:27,680 --> 00:21:31,760 every comedian, there is a Hamlet struggling to get out? I mean, for 195 00:21:31,760 --> 00:21:33,180 would rather like to be a comedian. 196 00:21:35,140 --> 00:21:36,140 Pardon? 197 00:21:37,860 --> 00:21:41,620 I said, as an actor, basically, I'd really rather like to be a comedian. 198 00:21:41,940 --> 00:21:42,619 Oh, really? 199 00:21:42,620 --> 00:21:45,860 Yes. I mean, I have got a couple of funny ones up my sleeve. 200 00:21:48,200 --> 00:21:49,700 That's a funny twist there, I like that. 201 00:21:50,980 --> 00:21:52,740 A fella with funny elbows up his sleeve. 202 00:21:53,600 --> 00:21:56,880 You've got funny elbows up here, funny elbows. No, no, no, not elbows, I mean 203 00:21:56,880 --> 00:21:57,880 jokes. 204 00:21:58,180 --> 00:22:01,640 Oh, really? Yes, and I'd rather like to tell one of my jokes tonight, and then I 205 00:22:01,640 --> 00:22:05,180 thought, as a comedian, you could show me perhaps a little Shakespeare. 206 00:22:05,440 --> 00:22:07,900 All right, I'll do that now, I'll show you a little Shakespeare now. Right. All 207 00:22:07,900 --> 00:22:09,060 right? Yeah, how's that look? 208 00:22:13,240 --> 00:22:17,860 You like it? 209 00:22:18,080 --> 00:22:20,080 Oh, I'd rather like that. Can I take a photograph while you're laughing? No, 210 00:22:20,120 --> 00:22:21,120 no. 211 00:22:21,260 --> 00:22:22,880 Now, I'll tell you what I'm going to do. No, no. 212 00:22:23,500 --> 00:22:24,940 I'm going to tell one of my jokes. 213 00:22:25,200 --> 00:22:29,280 And mind you, actually, I'm a little bit strange to this, so maybe you could 214 00:22:29,280 --> 00:22:30,280 help me with a laugh. 215 00:22:34,640 --> 00:22:41,120 Excuse me. I haven't started yet. Oh. No, no. 216 00:22:42,190 --> 00:22:46,790 I think I should tell this joke. The other day, you see, I painted my house 217 00:22:46,790 --> 00:22:48,230 it cost me a thousand pounds. 218 00:22:50,370 --> 00:22:53,530 I haven't finished it yet. 219 00:22:53,730 --> 00:22:54,730 Oh. 220 00:22:56,090 --> 00:22:58,270 I was laughing about your funny elbows. 221 00:22:59,090 --> 00:23:03,710 Got funny elbows up your sleeve. Look, there is nothing funny about my elbows. 222 00:23:04,650 --> 00:23:07,310 Well, why are they covered up, then? You must have funny elbows. I have not 223 00:23:07,310 --> 00:23:10,770 got... I have had very, very nice remarks about my elbows. There's nothing 224 00:23:10,770 --> 00:23:13,390 about them at all. I think they're funny. I'm sure they must be funny. 225 00:23:13,470 --> 00:23:18,090 once and for all, look, have a flash. Look, I have not got funny elbows, 226 00:23:18,770 --> 00:23:19,770 Oh, he's right. He's right. 227 00:23:20,690 --> 00:23:21,569 Not a ripple. 228 00:23:21,570 --> 00:23:22,389 He's right. 229 00:23:22,390 --> 00:23:23,610 I don't know what it is. You've got funny knees. 230 00:23:25,110 --> 00:23:27,870 I haven't got funny knees. You've got funny, knobbly knees. 231 00:23:29,070 --> 00:23:32,650 People... People have gone mad about my knees. They are not funny. You've got 232 00:23:32,650 --> 00:23:37,470 funny knobby knees, I tell you that. Once and for all, I have not got funny 233 00:23:37,470 --> 00:23:38,470 knees. 234 00:23:39,930 --> 00:23:46,610 Now, I haven't got funny elbows. I haven't got funny knees. What else can I 235 00:23:46,930 --> 00:23:47,930 Say cheese. 236 00:23:48,150 --> 00:23:49,150 Cheese?